My Burden. A paper on my personal burden.

My Burden 

A paper on my personal burden. 

Written by Gavin Veasey

Maybe everyone has this feeling. A feeling specific to an individual. I am just becoming aware of mine. It has been growing stronger and stronger on me. Almost so that thoughts on my bleak and dark future that I and those that I love must go through are all that fills my head. I remember when I was a younger youth then I am now. Carefree, looking forward to Eternity. I was simple to evil but I wanted to be wise to good. But in my journey to be wise in good I found great evil. And now I am not simple to evil. I know of the plans laid out for me by the enemy. I see everything that is coming and I hide in fear. I often forget that I AM is in me. But my burden seems to have pushed out the hope that was in me. Or I have pushed out I AM. I have said, “I do not need you. I know what comes for me and I can’t take it head on.” But it is a lie that I live. I can’t. When the tide of evil heads in I cower to this ugly fear of man. It grips me like the Apostle Peter. He stood there at the fire, warmed. But his lips where frozen. He needed the fiery coal to melt them. Oh I long for that coal. I need it but I fear the cost of it. Do I dare look at the price tag? Maybe the thing is that I need to drop my unknowingly resistance to I AM. 

Let him form me into what he wants instead of what I want. It is so basic a doctrine but something I have not taken up. When I pray I feel like no one is there. Has I AM left me to my own devices? Oh I fear this is the case. I need to rise out of my muck and run back to him. But the muck holds me down like chains. But the chains have been cut. I cling to them still! Drop them! I must drop them but it is so hard and I am so week. It disgusts me that I would sit in my own waste, holding on to my chains like they are a jewel. Drop them! Go rise up self! I want to yell, scream, shake my self out of it. It is like my dreams. I sit there in the middle of the road, a car comes, I try to move but I can’t. Has the enemy pearlized me? If so how? I need to find out how because if I don’t I will get to heaven only to find that I have done nothing. This fear also grips me. I want to get crowns so I may lay them at the foot of my LORD but the opposite fear grips me, a fear of man.

 Oh but this is not the half of my burden. I fear telling those about the Gospel and the Freedom March. But I see those that do and I see the arrogance of man resist. They will never lesson to what my brethren say let alone me. All hope for my country seems to have fallen. Christians will soon be wiped away. I know the end of it all. But my perceptive kills me. How can it all turn out to be good? I know the answer but it seems to be so farfetched. I need to see it, but when I do I can’t apply it to what I am in. I can yell and scream to my race that we must awaken to the devices that the enemy has laid out for us but they will not lesson. They are trapped in what I am in. In there own filth they are and thats where they will stay. But they have never known what joy I have known. I remember two years ago. I knew what I know now (not to the same extent but the same) but instead of being discouraged I was joyful to what was to come. But some unknown thing has got me. Turned me around. Like I said before it must be my defiance, my chains. I AM send some one to rip the chains from my hands! Someone to grab me by the shirt and shove me out of my muck and back to your arms. Send someone because I can’t do it myself. 

Perhaps that there is someone all ready there pushing me and I am not aware of it. Awaken my soul, open my eyes, let my since of touch return! Well I am done. I have spilled out my mind to myself and to you, and to I AM. Will he answer me? I fear that he will and deep down in my wicked heart I don’t want him to. I fear his rebuke! Oh how I fear it! But I must hear it! I must hear what I have done wrong. What it my purpose in this charge on hell’s gates? I need to through this ring off me into the cracks of doom where it came from. 

Save me LORD. I am willing but afraid. The burden presses harder on me but I am willing! Reach through to me!